is this the more cooler version of a blog?

Anonymous asked: I like your writing. You have a funny silly way of writing that is cool. It reminds me of the way I think in my head. Right now I am trying to write like you. Your joke "finders keepers, losers rape victims" makes me want to kill myself. Should I?

Hi, 

Thanks for your question. Why does my funny joke want to make you kill yourself? Are you a rape victim? Did you know that rape victims are one of the most famous kind of victims in the world? Also terrorist victims. Did you lose something? Maybe you lost something important and this joke reminded you of it. I don’t know any good advice for it because I never lose anything. Once I lost a pair of sunglasses and I bought them again later. Maybe you can buy what you lost, because the person who found it kept it. Imagine that it was someone who never had a pair of sunglasses. I bet he was happy to find them and keep them! I hope you don’t kill yourself, because it was just a joke.

I think that if you think in your head this way, you are probably retarded and you should kill yourself.

cheesecake factory - a review

My good friends Sophie and Jason who are in love got married four days ago, and because they had a wedding, their families came to watch. It was good, because it was my first wedding. If I would give it a review, I’d give it a good one.

Today was the last night that Jason and Sophie’s families were in town, so we had a plan to drink cocktails and watch Sophie and Jason schmoop. We wanted to go to a place, which was the TONGA ROOM! The Tonga Room is a big significant location because I wrote a review of it HERE and Sophie’s family is a big fan of my review and kept reviewing it to me! (good reviewing). There was a lot of hype about the Tonga Room and everyone was excited to have cocktails there. But then: the Tonga Room was closed! I wasn’t there because I had to meet my good friend Patrick first, but everyone went to the Tonga Room and it was closed! I was worried, because I thought maybe it was my fault because I gave them a bad review, but then Sophie said it was because Joe Biden, who is the Vice President, was having dinner in the Tonga Room. A vice is something like a bad habit, and I think Joe Biden has a bad habit for food, because if you’re really rich and important, you probably don’t go to the Tonga Room because it’s a little lame. 

The Tonga Room was closed so we had to go somewhere else, maybe also for dinner because everyone was hungry after the excitement of the closed Tonga Room (I think. I wasn’t there). Everyone was confused about where to go, and so the new plan was going to the Cheesecake Factory. If you are from England or Europe, like Sophie’s family Jessica and Sarie (like Harry or Hairy, but Sarie), the Cheesecake factory is cool. They have a lot of big food and salads and big cheesecakes. I remember that when I moved to the States the first time, I thought the Cheesecake factory was cool too because they had a lot of food and it was American. So the new plan was going to the Cheesecake Factory. 

Have you ever gone to the Cheesecake Factory? Because one thing about the Cheesecake Factory is that everyone is there, all the time. Everyone was at the Cheesecake Factory again, and when we got there (now I was there too), we had to wait for a long time. One of their cool inventions is a piece of plastic. You order a table, and when your table is ready, your plastic vibrates and flashes red. Then you can come back from where you’ve been and can get your table. It’s a really good invention that I love. You can walk around, and then just come back when your plastic vibrates. It’s a little naughty too. 

We waited a long time. Sophie was having a bad migrane and everyone was a little upset. I went outside on the balcony and someone took a photo of me with a flash! Then he ran away. I went inside and told everyone that someone “made a photo” of me, and then I noticed I said “made” instead of “took” and it was wrong, but I was too embarrassed to change it. No one said anything about it. Jessica was holding the plastic, and finally it started blinking! We got our table, it was for seven people. Before today, it would have been for twelve people because that’s how many people we were! But today we were seven and we got a table for all of us. 

The Cheesecake Factory is a big restaurant with a lot of food. They have more food than Cheesecake, so their name is misleading. We looked at the menu for a long time. Everyone was hungry and overwhelmed by the choices! There are about 70 things to eat. That’s good if you want to order 69 things, but if you want to order one thing, you need to rule out ordering 69 things first. That’s a lot of deciding, and if you’re bad with decisions, you are probably going to have a hard time.

I couldn’t decide what to order, so I made everyone else order first. This is a trick I learned from not deciding what to order, but it’s also a bad trick because if you’re the last person to order and you still don’t know what you want to eat, you are under a lot of pressure because sometimes the waiter says he will come back later, and no one gets their food because you’re thinking of what to order, and everyone hates you. But it’s also bad because sometimes you order something you think you want because you are under pressure and everyone is looking at you, but you don’t really want it, and then you just hate yourself for ordering the wrong thing because it turns out everyone else ordered exactly what you wanted!

I ordered a burger. A burger is something to eat when you just don’t know what to get and you don’t want to spend a lot of money. But at the Cheesecake Factory they have about 20 burgers! Each one is different. Everyone was looking at me and I had to order my food, so I looked at the first burgers I saw, and ordered one of them. It had onions which I like and a wheat bun, which is like a healthy bun, which is important if you eat a burger. I was excited, because on Monday we went walking in Golden Gate Park and then on a hike, and I had a burger for lunch, and it was a burger from “Jenny’s Burger” which is delicious, and everyone was jealous of my burger because they got Burritos next door.

The Cheesecake Factory has more than 70 things to order. Maybe 150 or more. Maybe 200. Because they also have an extra menu that’s called “Skinnylicious” and it’s a diet menu from “skinny” and “delicious”. It’s a funny name and maybe an oxymoron. Skinny basically always means not delicious. Jason’s mom had a Skinnylicious Chicken Salad, and it looked delicious.

Everyones food came, and then my burger came. I looked at it and I was sad. I’ve had a lot of burgers in America because burgers were invented here and are really delicious. But this burger looked like I got it in Europe in a public pool. Burgers in Europe aren’t famous because they don’t really exist. And food in a public pool is always a little worse looking than the same food in a normal place. But food at the pool is also always the most delicious kind, because you’re hot and hungry and wet, and the food is very oily and yummy. 

I looked at my burger, and was upset. Everyone had food that looked really nice and special, and my burger looked like a wheat baguette made from the same bread they serve you on your table for free! But then I ate it, and it was like a real pool burger - it tasted delicious! I ate my burger and loved it, and was happy I chose my burger!

The Cheesecake Factory is a funny place. It’s very big and American, and everything about it is delicious! It is a chain restaurant, so it is a little less special, but it’s a place with good food and big portions. If you don’t finish your food, you can take it home and finish it at home! In Europe you can’t do that because your portions are small and it’s rude. And if it’s not rude, it’s impossible because the restaurants don’t have a box for you to take your food home in. I didn’t take home my burger because I ate it all.

If you are from Europe, going to the Cheesecake factory is really good. If you are from America, going to the Cheesecake Factory is probably also very good, because everyone is there, always. 

review - happy hour in the tiki bar in the tonga room in the fairmont hotel in san francisco

Sophie, Jason and I had a very good idea which was eating a Hawaiian all-you-can-eat buffet at a tiki bar. Tiki bars are invented in America probably. They are a wooden style bars with wooden style mask and mainly they are basically exotic. Their style is tropical and Polynesian. Tiki bars are cool because they are magical. They are dark and a little bit like a beach or a rainforest. I have never been to a tiki bar because Austria doesn’t have them. But Sophie likes tiki bars a lot, so we decided to go to the famous tiki bar in Sophie’s old guide book. 

The tiki bar we went to was called “Tonga Room.” The Kingdom of Tonga is a state in the South Pacific Ocean. Tonga is not related to Toga, and suggesting that it is would be a very stupid thing to write in your review. But maybe it could be? It isn’t. But the words are nearly the same and I thought a Tonga is a Toga. 

The Tonga Room is in a very famous hotel in San Francisco that is called “The Fairmont.” You can tell that it is a luxury hotel because of its building. It’s very luxurious and beautiful. Usually a lot of flags on a building are always a sign of luxury or of a school. 

Because the Tonga Room is a tiki bar by a luxury hotel, it is very expensive. But on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday they have an “extensive” happy hour buffet. The buffet is all-you-can eat and it is only $9.50 (plus a minimum of one cocktail)! If you go for dinner, sometimes you pay $9.50 for just one dish, and then once you finish it’s done, you can’t ask for more (very rude). So paying $9.50 and getting more is an amazing good deal and that is why Sophie, Jason and I decided to go to the Tonga Room Tiki Bar!

We got to the Tonga Room. You enter it on California street although the hotel is on Mason street. If you want to go to the Tonga Room, go down along the hotel on California and enter the door close to the big sigh that says “Tonga.” It’s also the entrance to the gym (“Club One”). Even if Google Maps shows the restaurant next to the Mason entrance, it isn’t. It’s on California.

Next you have to ask for a table. They will offer you a table on one of the sides of the room, on a deck that looks like a ship, or in the middle of the room between a lot of people but close to the bar. If you aren’t sure which table you want, get the one on the ship because it’s better. If you want to be close to the bar, don’t, because you have a waitress that can get you anything from the bar.

The tables are made of wood and the chairs too, but they have pillows which are really soft. That is good if you plan to stay for a while. The room is very dark and tropical. There is a candle on every table and light-lantern style strings. They are nice because they give a nice mood. There is a ship’s wheel and straw hut roofs, and in the middle of the room is a giant pool, but a dark one and it’s not for swimming just for mood. 

The special thing about the Tonga Room is that they have storms. Every 30 minutes maybe, they have a storm with rain and thunder and lightning, but it’s a trick storm because it’s indoors and storms aren’t indoors except for Donald Duck when he is unlucky. The thunder is just a soundtrack, and the lightning is just flashes of light bulbs. The rain is kind of real because it’s water that comes down, but they made it themselves with sprinklers maybe. It’s a mood thing, and it works. It lasts very short, but the room feels wetter because of the rain. 

It is important that you order a cocktail. You have to, because that’s the rule of the buffet. They have a selection, and every cocktail is $7.50 because it is happy hour. Normally the cocktails are more expensive. They have a selection, and one yummy cocktail I had was the Tonga Itch. It sounds nasty because itches are STDs sometimes. This is a cocktail and it is delicious. You can see all the cocktails they have HERE.

In the middle of the room is something that could be a dance floor, and there you will find the buffet. When we saw the buffet we were very surprised. It was on a table that was not very long. This is what they had:

- Chicken wings in a sweet chili sauce
- Macaroni salad
- Spicy edamame
- Fried rice with ham
- A mix of cantaloupe, honeydew and pineapple, but mostly it was honeydew
- Asian style noodles with vegetable style stuff
- Mini spring rolls with a sauce
- More chicken wings in hot sauce 

I didn’t miss anything. This was their buffet. I was very disappointed and sad.

This is a photo of the fruit and some chicken wings and some edamame.

- The chicken wings in the sweet chili sauce were tasty, because chicken wings and sweet chili sauce are yummy and everyone likes them. I had lots of chicken wings, and one of them had the most meat on it I have ever eaten from a chicken wing! That was nice but could also mean the chicken was bionic.

- The macaroni salad was very horrible. I dont like macaroni salad because I don’t like mayo, but sometimes you eat something you don’t like and it’s okay. This macaroni salad was very disgusting. 

- The edamame were okay. They had very good intentions because of the spicy stuff, but they didn’t taste very fresh and it’s edamame - it’s not a real food you cook!

- The fried rice was very normal. It was fried rice, and if you don’t like meat it sucks because it had bits of ham in it. I like fried rice, but it usually fried rice has stuff in it except for ham. Like pineapple. It didn’t. It was boring.

- The fruit was very horrible, too. It wasn’t fresh fruit and it tasted like they got it from a can. Pineapple is always yummy, even from the can, but they didn’t have much pineapple, mostly honeydew that was disgusting. I used some pineapple and ate it with my fried rice so it would be less boring. 

- The noodles were very oily and boring. They are the noodles you get at a Chinese buffet when you pay $4. I ate them and they were whatever. 

- The spring rolls were okay. They had a sauce which was good because they were the kind of spring rolls that are dry. They tasted like spring rolls that you get and you eat but don’t comment on because they are normal; not delicious or disgusting. You just eat them and talk to your friends. 

- I didn’t taste the other chicken wings. But they are chicken wings and hot sauce, and everyone loves chicken wings and hot sauce.

It was very disappointing and sad, and I had 4 servings because I was hungry and I wanted to eat more so it would feel less expensive to pay for a Chinese dinner at a tiki bar. 

In conclusion, the tiki bar in the Tonga Room was nice, but the food was sad. But if you go to the Tonga Room and read this review first, you will feel less bad about it, because you will go for the experience and not for the food. And the experience was nice, and the cocktails were nice, and if you aren’t facing the people coming in and out of the gym next door, you can see a nice room with pretty lights and have a good time. 

Here are some tips:

You can have the happy hour all-you-can-eat buffet from Wednesday to Friday between 5 PM and 7 PM. I think I would suggest to go at 5 PM and then eat a lot, then wait and get more food before they take away the buffet at 7 PM. The waitress was nice, because I’m always shy to get a lot of food from all-you-can-eat buffets because the waiters are always mean when you take all you can eat, but our waitress told us to get more plates with lots of food before the buffet closes. 

Another good tip is that when you eat, eat two plates, then wait. Sometimes you eat and your stomach is full, but it takes your stomach 15 or 20 minutes to tell your brain it is full! It’s true! If you don’t know that, you keep eating and then when you notice how full you are, you already ate too much and feel very sick.

More details are HERE.

Anonymous asked: hi. are you really married? you mentioned you have husband. is it true?

Hello! I feel very uncomfortable with this question. You are asking me something personal and it is because you are in love with me. I know that when people are in love with someone, they want to know everything about that person. Like if they are married or if they are in love. If I have a husband, it is because I am in love with my husband and not with you. If I am not in love with you, you are going to be upset because you are in love with me. If I am in love with you, you are going to marry me. If you are in love with me, I am not in love with you. If I am not in love with you, I don’t want to marry you.

Please stop thinking about marrying me.

airplane review - virgin atlantic

Virgin is a brand, it was invented by Richard Branson who is from Great Britain. He is famous for being blonde plus he is a “Sir”. When I was a kid there was a Virgin Megastore in my hometown, so I knew Virgin. Virgin Megastore was the coolest store in the whole city, because it was so big and had so much music and movies, so it was instantly cool. 

Later there were Virgin Airlines, and I knew about it, but I never flew in it until I moved to the States. In the States, Virgin America is a really popular and cool airline. They have TVs in all airplanes and a purple light and sometimes they have a funny quiz and you can win alcohol. They also have Wifi on board, and for a long time it was for free because they just invented it. Also, Virgin America is cheap!

When I wanted to fly back home (story HERE), I saw there was a cheap flight from Virgin Atlantic, which is cool because it was Virgin and Virgin is cool because Virgin America is amazing! This is my review of my flights with Virgin Atlantic. 

The plane I got on was very big and modern, it had like two floors, and every seat had a TV (also in economy!). I had the best seat, I was so lucky. I sat in it. 

The first thing about Virgin Atlantic that is different from Virgin America is the safety video. Virgin America has a safety video that is “funny” and cool, and whenever I watch it, the voice talking reminds me of Richard Branson. Cool! You can see it on youtube HERE.

But Virgin Atlantic has a really ugly and dumb safety video. It looks like it was made on goanimate.com, minus 15 years of technology. You can watch the video on youtube HERE. I was very angry about this video. I hate it!

The next thing that was weird was that they said that they would be serving alcohol, but that you need to remember to drink in moderation because you are flying, and imagine drinking a lot when you fly. They just said that! What if you are an alcoholic and you’re flying Virgin Atlantic. Maybe you would feel very bad about yourself. 

Then they did something else weird! They said that during take-off, you aren’t allowed to wear your blankets on your lap. Imagine flying and not wearing your blankets!!! It’s so cold when you fly, it’s like the coldest thing in the world! I hate the rule, it’s dumb, and I kept my blanket on my lap, but then the flight attendants came and told everyone in person to put the blankets off your lap! They said you can put it on your shoulders or on the floor. Imagine you have your blankets on the floor and then there is an emergency and you trip over a million blankets because they are all on the floor! 

Every airline always tells you to close your seatbelt above the blanket, so they don’t need to wake you up when the seat belt signs go on. But no one ever does it, and no one is ever woken up. Because putting on your seat belt above the blanket is super impractical and stupid. But at Virgin Atlantic they really do wake you up and tell you to put on your seat belt over your blanket. That’s really dumb if you are asleep! 

Then they served dinner, and I think my dinner was something with a meat thingy and vegetables. The meat thingy was the most disgusting thing I ever ate, and I nearly threw up, for real! 

But they had a lot of movies to chose from, and I watched a lot.

On my flight back I chose a seat on the top deck. They have a few seats of economy there, and then some first class seats in the front. The seat I got was in the second row, but the window seats are cool too because they have a part next to them that’s like a shelf (between the chair and the window wall). That’s cool for your handbag or your stuff (except if it rolls back or the person behind you steals it). I liked to sit on the top deck because there are less people and you get food and drinks much faster. There are also less people that go to the bathroom. Also, when you go down, you arrive at a bar thing, and it’s for the business class people, but because you are from upstairs they can’t tell if you are economy or first class, so you can eat their chips and drink their water (maybe also beer?). But you need to pretend you don’t know that it’s for business class only, so you need to be very casual. 

The top floor is also cool because heat rises so it’s less cool and more warm. I only used one blanket and sometimes I put it off!

Then there was food again, and it was better but it was still kind of shit. And when you’re on an airplane you want to eat all the time because there is nothing else to do and you’re hungry a lot. They gave out a lot of snacks, and that was good because usually when I’m on an airplane they make you sleep and don’t bring snacks and I am starving. 

Then the best thing happened. They gave out ice cream! It was so yummy and amazing and cold. Cool! 

Virgin Atlantic had 71 movies to watch on the flight, plus TV shows and documentaries. Cool!

My review is: Virgin Atlantic is not like Virgin America and it feels like it’s not even part of the same group! But it’s cool because you get some extra stuff like snacks and ice cream and lots of movies, but also dumb because they care more about the stupid rules. I think I am going to fly with them again someday. 

In airlines, they get 7 points out of 10! More if they have better dinner.

I drew this airplane but it was ugly.

When I was growing up, I lived on a street that was very steep and upwardy, like in San Francisco but in Austria. And it was always hard to walk up the street. So sometimes when I was older and did stuff like meeting friends at night, and then I went home but the bus that went up 3/4 of the way wasn’t driving anymore, or when the tram didn’t drive anymore, or I was tired, I sometimes took a taxi cab to drive me home. Later when I moved into my own place, I also sometimes took a taxi cab home at night when I was too tired to take the tram and walk. So I know all about taxis. 

One thing about the taxis is that they take you somewhere you live. That place is usually your home (or sometimes a hotel if you’re in a new city, or your friends home, or a restaurant or shop). But when you take a cab home, I always thought about how dangerous that is. First you drive in someone’s car, which is always scary because they could be bad drivers or kidnappers. When I was friends with my friends Nina and Paul, they sometimes wrote down the license plate of my cab when I left, so if I was kidnapped they would know the taxi.

But also, the taxi takes you to your home, so basically the cab driver knows where you live. It’s always a bit scary when people know where you live. So I was always scared in a taxi. But at the same time, basically every home has someone inside, and you can just go inside any home ever and find someone. It’s just someone living! And knowing who you are and where you live is just information, like: a person lives there, and maybe that person is you. So maybe it’s not that bad. It’s like a post man - he also knows where you live, and it’s not scary or dangerous. So I guess it’s the same with a cab driver. 

I hate to fly. Actually that’s a lie. I feel very ambiguous about flying. It’s dumb because it’s not your natural environment, because humans can’t fly and their bodies get weird when they do and sometimes they fart, but also, flying is amazing because it’s an unnatural environment and you see cool clouds and you get somewhere else and no one notices if you fart.

Flying is difficult also because you have to sit on the same chair all the time, and first it’s okay, but then your body hurts a lot. Like your back and your neck. It’s difficult to sleep on a plane too, so you are also tired. The food is sometimes okay, sometimes it’s really bad, so that’s bad too. Sometimes you need to sit next to someone you don’t want to sit next to. Basically a lot of annoying stuff can happen.

I flew to Austria a while ago. You need to travel for a long time to get there. I had to travel 18 hours. I flew to London first. I flew to London because I decided to fly with Virgin Atlantic instead of Lufthansa. Virgin America is my favorite airline ever, and I thought if I fly Virgin Atlantic it would be like flying with Virgin America but much longer and better.

Virgin Atlantic is very different from Virgin America. It’s like a completely different airline! They did everything differently, and I am going to write a review about it later. 

I did a trick when I dropped off my luggage. It wasn’t really a trick but maybe now it is. I had checked in online an hour or two before and chosen a window seat. I like the window seat because it has a window to look out of and it’s good to lean against if you want to sleep. When you are a kid, you always fight with your sibling to have to window seat, so when you grow up it seems natural to take it. But on long flights, aisle seats are good too. They allow you to stand up without waking up the people next to you.

When you fly, drinking a lot of water is the most important thing in the world. It’s because of science stuff, like something about you sitting a long time and the air pressure and your blood and stuff. If you don’t drink enough water and move you could die!!! But most people don’t know that. They fly and they try extra hard to not drink water because peeing on the airplane is dumb (because you need to wake up the people next to you to stand up). But I drink a lot of water (you need to buy it before you go on, because on the plane you only get small glasses, but my trick is usually that I ask them to fill my water bottle with their water bottle, because have you ever bought water at the airport? It’s very expensive), so I need to pee a lot and get up a lot. So basically I decided I want to change from my window seat to an aisle seat. I went to drop off my luggage and told the man that I want to change to an aisle seat. He changed me, and then I got the best seat ever - in the aisle in the middle of the first row! So no one was in front of me and I had more leg room, but the kind where I can prop up my legs against a wall. Cool!

I did something that is maybe illegal. I took an orange in my bag and took it with me until Austria. I went into security, but no one noticed it. So I took it on my flight. But my suspicion is that they secretly saw it and they made a note about it on my file. Then when I come back through immigration they would use it against me and never let me back inside the States because they would have said I’m a smuggler of fruit and maybe drugs (they would have invented the drugs part, but prove them wrong! You can’t!!). But it didn’t happen, so that is cool.

The end.

Anonymous asked: do you sell your 'honk if your hogan' stickers?

Yes!