is this the more cooler version of a blog?

I hate to fly. Actually that’s a lie. I feel very ambiguous about flying. It’s dumb because it’s not your natural environment, because humans can’t fly and their bodies get weird when they do and sometimes they fart, but also, flying is amazing because it’s an unnatural environment and you see cool clouds and you get somewhere else and no one notices if you fart.

Flying is difficult also because you have to sit on the same chair all the time, and first it’s okay, but then your body hurts a lot. Like your back and your neck. It’s difficult to sleep on a plane too, so you are also tired. The food is sometimes okay, sometimes it’s really bad, so that’s bad too. Sometimes you need to sit next to someone you don’t want to sit next to. Basically a lot of annoying stuff can happen.

I flew to Austria a while ago. You need to travel for a long time to get there. I had to travel 18 hours. I flew to London first. I flew to London because I decided to fly with Virgin Atlantic instead of Lufthansa. Virgin America is my favorite airline ever, and I thought if I fly Virgin Atlantic it would be like flying with Virgin America but much longer and better.

Virgin Atlantic is very different from Virgin America. It’s like a completely different airline! They did everything differently, and I am going to write a review about it later. 

I did a trick when I dropped off my luggage. It wasn’t really a trick but maybe now it is. I had checked in online an hour or two before and chosen a window seat. I like the window seat because it has a window to look out of and it’s good to lean against if you want to sleep. When you are a kid, you always fight with your sibling to have to window seat, so when you grow up it seems natural to take it. But on long flights, aisle seats are good too. They allow you to stand up without waking up the people next to you.

When you fly, drinking a lot of water is the most important thing in the world. It’s because of science stuff, like something about you sitting a long time and the air pressure and your blood and stuff. If you don’t drink enough water and move you could die!!! But most people don’t know that. They fly and they try extra hard to not drink water because peeing on the airplane is dumb (because you need to wake up the people next to you to stand up). But I drink a lot of water (you need to buy it before you go on, because on the plane you only get small glasses, but my trick is usually that I ask them to fill my water bottle with their water bottle, because have you ever bought water at the airport? It’s very expensive), so I need to pee a lot and get up a lot. So basically I decided I want to change from my window seat to an aisle seat. I went to drop off my luggage and told the man that I want to change to an aisle seat. He changed me, and then I got the best seat ever - in the aisle in the middle of the first row! So no one was in front of me and I had more leg room, but the kind where I can prop up my legs against a wall. Cool!

I did something that is maybe illegal. I took an orange in my bag and took it with me until Austria. I went into security, but no one noticed it. So I took it on my flight. But my suspicion is that they secretly saw it and they made a note about it on my file. Then when I come back through immigration they would use it against me and never let me back inside the States because they would have said I’m a smuggler of fruit and maybe drugs (they would have invented the drugs part, but prove them wrong! You can’t!!). But it didn’t happen, so that is cool.

The end.

I flew to Austria, and I had to fly for ten hours and then change flight in Frankfurt. When I got to Austria it was 13 hours after I left San Francisco, so a really long time. I hate to fly but it was okay cuz I had a good seat (it was a bulk seat). A woman wanted to sit on my seat with a baby but I said I didn’t want to change seats (cuz it’s mean, I got my seat half a year earlier). When I got on the plane I pretended to be retarded and they let me go on earlier (with the old people).

It was so hot in Vienna and everyone was wearing shorts. I went home but only shortly because my Jewish Christian friends came and I met them. We had a good time in Austria, they made a lot of art about Jesus because they are conceptual artists. They have a boy band. It also rained twice. This is a photo of Pinecone Jesus.

Then they went away and I went to visit my friend in Budapest, it’s a city in Hungary. I drove there because I have a car and it is close. When I got there it was hot too, and my friend told me to go into her pool so she could see me naked (she’s a lesbian). This is the pool:

We had lunch and I saw a lot of lady bugs. Then we went out to watch a festival. It’s on an island called “Sziget”, and it’s famous cuz a lot of bands always play there. It’s five days, but it was the last day.

We went and the first band we saw was “Die Antwoord”. It’s a band from South Africa and they make rap music.

Then we saw “Kasabian”. They are very famous. Then we met my friends Daniel and Anna and we had dinner and then we went and we saw “Muse”. They were like the most popular band, and a lot of people watched them. I think they are overrated because I don’t like them so much. They are okay. We watched them for 20 minutes and then we left because we had to go watch a theater performance. The theater performance was with four people on jumpy stilts. They had a boat with musicians on it. It was all white. The performance was good, and in the end they shot our foam. I had so much fun in the foam (I went inside).

Then we saw a pornography show.

Then we ate pork but it started to rain and we had to wait a long time for the rain to stop (while eating pork).

Then we ate chocolate things and someone pushed rain off the roof onto my friend. It was funny.

Then we met two people from San Francisco that are on a bike tour. I didn’t like them. Their band was kind of boring.

By then it was 2:30 AM and we went home. I had a stick stuck on my boot.

The next day I drove back to Vienna.

i am from austria

That is a quote. It is a song that a mediocre Austrian artist invented about being from Austria. I am in America, and in America it is super important to be really patriotic. Everyone loves America, because in America you are free and freedom is basically equal to happiness. People from America are really “nationalistic” about America, and the 4th of July is like the most important day in America. It’s like Christmas and Thanksgiving and Birthday and Labor day and Anniversary in one (so like really important). I saw a parade this year for the 4th of July. It was in a town that’s called Point Arena, which is in the North of San Francisco. They had so many people in their parade, and they told the life story about everyone!! Then they had the “Golden Retriever Lovers Brigade”. Everyone in it had a Golden Retriever  with a pin on its tale. The pin was an American flag. This is a photo of them:

They also had people who loved bikes (they all rode funny bikes), people who liked motor bikes (they rode motor bikes, but really badly because they had no control of their bikes), people who liked jeeps (they had done stuff to their jeeps to make them look special) and people in fire trucks.

There was also a group of people that were against rape, abuse and animal cruelty, but they got no attention, and when the woman went on stage to say stuff, they turned off her mic!!! This was them:

They also had this group of people who liked flowers:

They had a lot of people dressed as American flags everywhere, and they sang the national anthem and stuff. So basically, a lot of people from the USA love their country a lot, and it’s like a law to be patriotic or something.  

I came to America, and I saw so much patriotism! I like America, but not like this. But I was thinking, and I noticed I like Austria a lot!! But it’s like: in Austria you can’t be really nationalistic, because that’s what Nazis did, and basically it’s wrong. So if you are from Austria, you don’t really talk a lot about how great it is. Maybe you don’t even think it’s very great. And the national anthem is not very popular, and they only sing it in the beginning of football matches (but only because everyone else also does it). And people don’t have Austrian flags, except during sporting events (because everyone else does it). 

But because I am not really allowed to portray Austria as being a superior place or anything, I feel like I need to tell you more about it, and maybe you will think it is superior (or really, really good). 

Austria is really nice. We have culture and stuff, like old stuff. But also new stuff (like cinemas). We have so many lakes!! Lakes are kind of better than seas because they don’t have dangerous animals (like sharks or crocodiles), and even if you swim really far out, you can still find a place to get back to land.

We have so many mountains, but not so many that you feel like you can’t go anywhere (like in Switzerland). You can go hike on the mountains or ski on them. Austrian’s are good at both.

Austria has so many cities and towns- big ones and small ones! And we can drive to Italy just like that, because it is super close. And many other places too. We also have our own airplanes so you can fly if you don’t want to drive.

Austrians are so talented!!! Practically disgustingly so! We can do so many things. We communicate in Austrian, but are fluent also in German. Our English is excellent, because we are internationally fabulous (we also know French, because we learn it in school — [we go to school!!]). We eat Schnitzel, we drink white wine, we are elegant in appearance if required. We engage in cultural and intellectual activities, such as going to the museum to look at good art (much of which was done by us) and reading important books (many of which we wrote ourselves). We do a lot of ballroom dancing too.

So basically, Austria is really nice, and people are really great, but we don’t rub it in your face because we are more modest than that!! 

So that is what I wanted to say. And this is an Austrian flag!

PS: you can look at my portraits of famous Austrians HERE.