is this the more cooler version of a blog?

about bad jobs and new jobs

It is really hard to live and make money. That is why people do jobs. I like jobs, and I try to get them. But I am a “legal alien” in San Francisco - I am allowed to be here, and I live here, but I’m not a “citizen” because I’m not American. So basically I am not allowed to get a job. 

That’s really dumb and annoying, because I could really use the extra money to buy stuff. So I invented some “jobs” that I could do, and maybe get something in return. I described them HERE. 

It is sad, because I never got anyone who wanted me to do a job for them. That’s because the internet is like a digital reality, so everything that is real also happens on the internet. And do you know a lot of people who want a job and can’t find one? Because I know some, and they are sad too.

Many people who don’t get a job do something wrong, like they don’t do something, or they do something, and anyway - it’s wrong. Or maybe they aren’t good at what they do. I’m good at my jobs, but I think I don’t have anyone who wants to hire me because my jobs are already used. This is why no one hires me for the jobs I can do:

(You need to read my jobs first so you know what jobs I mean!)

1) Secret emails are the best thing on the planet. They are like a secret internet! If you have a secret internet, you can do anything! But before the internet did all the cool things, one of the most important things was emails. Basically, nothing in the internet was real except emails! It was like writing a letter before you did stuff like sending people parking tickets or bombs. It was just to have meetings and important things! So everyone has an email address, and if you use the internet, the first thing you get is an email address. Even someone who doesn’t use the internet sometimes has an email address. So everyone on the internet who reads my job, already has an email address and don’t need a new one. It’s not secret, but not everyone is famous so you don’t need a secret email address. I bet I know everyone’s email address - it’s their name!

2) Translating time is one of the most important things if you know someone who lives somewhere else, because it shows the person that you are interested about when they eat dinner. But everyone I know has a phone, and every phone I know has a menu that’s a clock, and every clock menu has one thing that can show you the time somewhere else. And if the person doesn’t know 24HRs, he can make it be in 12HRs. So if you have your phone, you can always see the time somewhere else. And if you don’t have your phone, you probably can’t contact me to ask me for the time somewhere. That’s why no one wants the job!

3) My third job is eating ginger from your sushi. I don’t know why this job doesn’t work. 

4) My other job is inventing quotes. Everyone likes quotes a lot, and they are famous. But a cool thing on the internet is when you say a quote on your profile and it’s funny and by someone famous and old or not alive. Sometimes people say quotes they invented themselves, but if you say your favorite quote is a quote you said, you are actually an asshole. So if someone would hire me to invent a quote they said themselves, then it is like hiring someone else to make you be a big asshole.

5) My last job was about being a scientist, because I could answer some questions. But one of the best things in the world is to be smart. When you are smart, you don’t need to ask many questions because you know the answers already. So if you give someone a job to answer something, it is like saying that you don’t know the answer, and no one likes to say they don’t know the answer to something, because it’s like saying: I don’t know! And have you ever heard someone say “I don’t know” and then you hate them? Because I did!

All my jobs are good, but this is why they don’t work. So I have new jobs, the jobs are:

- Inventing jokes. Everyone likes jokes, because my friend Jason once said the smartest thing I ever heard - it was that laughing is the realest thing in the world! Do you understand that? Because it’s true! So if you have a good joke, it’s the best thing in the world. You can look at my JOKE BLOG! It’s here: http://butt-jokes.tumblr.com/

- Directing something. Like a film or a video or a commercial. It’s my job, and I learned it at school and I like to do it. You can look at my films here: http://vimeo.com/tizia

If you want me to do a new job, you can ask me to do it here: http://tizia.tumblr.com/ask

Or if you want me to do an old job, I can do that too. You can ask me here: http://tizia.tumblr.com/ask

Thanks

cheesecake factory - a review

My good friends Sophie and Jason who are in love got married four days ago, and because they had a wedding, their families came to watch. It was good, because it was my first wedding. If I would give it a review, I’d give it a good one.

Today was the last night that Jason and Sophie’s families were in town, so we had a plan to drink cocktails and watch Sophie and Jason schmoop. We wanted to go to a place, which was the TONGA ROOM! The Tonga Room is a big significant location because I wrote a review of it HERE and Sophie’s family is a big fan of my review and kept reviewing it to me! (good reviewing). There was a lot of hype about the Tonga Room and everyone was excited to have cocktails there. But then: the Tonga Room was closed! I wasn’t there because I had to meet my good friend Patrick first, but everyone went to the Tonga Room and it was closed! I was worried, because I thought maybe it was my fault because I gave them a bad review, but then Sophie said it was because Joe Biden, who is the Vice President, was having dinner in the Tonga Room. A vice is something like a bad habit, and I think Joe Biden has a bad habit for food, because if you’re really rich and important, you probably don’t go to the Tonga Room because it’s a little lame. 

The Tonga Room was closed so we had to go somewhere else, maybe also for dinner because everyone was hungry after the excitement of the closed Tonga Room (I think. I wasn’t there). Everyone was confused about where to go, and so the new plan was going to the Cheesecake Factory. If you are from England or Europe, like Sophie’s family Jessica and Sarie (like Harry or Hairy, but Sarie), the Cheesecake factory is cool. They have a lot of big food and salads and big cheesecakes. I remember that when I moved to the States the first time, I thought the Cheesecake factory was cool too because they had a lot of food and it was American. So the new plan was going to the Cheesecake Factory. 

Have you ever gone to the Cheesecake Factory? Because one thing about the Cheesecake Factory is that everyone is there, all the time. Everyone was at the Cheesecake Factory again, and when we got there (now I was there too), we had to wait for a long time. One of their cool inventions is a piece of plastic. You order a table, and when your table is ready, your plastic vibrates and flashes red. Then you can come back from where you’ve been and can get your table. It’s a really good invention that I love. You can walk around, and then just come back when your plastic vibrates. It’s a little naughty too. 

We waited a long time. Sophie was having a bad migrane and everyone was a little upset. I went outside on the balcony and someone took a photo of me with a flash! Then he ran away. I went inside and told everyone that someone “made a photo” of me, and then I noticed I said “made” instead of “took” and it was wrong, but I was too embarrassed to change it. No one said anything about it. Jessica was holding the plastic, and finally it started blinking! We got our table, it was for seven people. Before today, it would have been for twelve people because that’s how many people we were! But today we were seven and we got a table for all of us. 

The Cheesecake Factory is a big restaurant with a lot of food. They have more food than Cheesecake, so their name is misleading. We looked at the menu for a long time. Everyone was hungry and overwhelmed by the choices! There are about 70 things to eat. That’s good if you want to order 69 things, but if you want to order one thing, you need to rule out ordering 69 things first. That’s a lot of deciding, and if you’re bad with decisions, you are probably going to have a hard time.

I couldn’t decide what to order, so I made everyone else order first. This is a trick I learned from not deciding what to order, but it’s also a bad trick because if you’re the last person to order and you still don’t know what you want to eat, you are under a lot of pressure because sometimes the waiter says he will come back later, and no one gets their food because you’re thinking of what to order, and everyone hates you. But it’s also bad because sometimes you order something you think you want because you are under pressure and everyone is looking at you, but you don’t really want it, and then you just hate yourself for ordering the wrong thing because it turns out everyone else ordered exactly what you wanted!

I ordered a burger. A burger is something to eat when you just don’t know what to get and you don’t want to spend a lot of money. But at the Cheesecake Factory they have about 20 burgers! Each one is different. Everyone was looking at me and I had to order my food, so I looked at the first burgers I saw, and ordered one of them. It had onions which I like and a wheat bun, which is like a healthy bun, which is important if you eat a burger. I was excited, because on Monday we went walking in Golden Gate Park and then on a hike, and I had a burger for lunch, and it was a burger from “Jenny’s Burger” which is delicious, and everyone was jealous of my burger because they got Burritos next door.

The Cheesecake Factory has more than 70 things to order. Maybe 150 or more. Maybe 200. Because they also have an extra menu that’s called “Skinnylicious” and it’s a diet menu from “skinny” and “delicious”. It’s a funny name and maybe an oxymoron. Skinny basically always means not delicious. Jason’s mom had a Skinnylicious Chicken Salad, and it looked delicious.

Everyones food came, and then my burger came. I looked at it and I was sad. I’ve had a lot of burgers in America because burgers were invented here and are really delicious. But this burger looked like I got it in Europe in a public pool. Burgers in Europe aren’t famous because they don’t really exist. And food in a public pool is always a little worse looking than the same food in a normal place. But food at the pool is also always the most delicious kind, because you’re hot and hungry and wet, and the food is very oily and yummy. 

I looked at my burger, and was upset. Everyone had food that looked really nice and special, and my burger looked like a wheat baguette made from the same bread they serve you on your table for free! But then I ate it, and it was like a real pool burger - it tasted delicious! I ate my burger and loved it, and was happy I chose my burger!

The Cheesecake Factory is a funny place. It’s very big and American, and everything about it is delicious! It is a chain restaurant, so it is a little less special, but it’s a place with good food and big portions. If you don’t finish your food, you can take it home and finish it at home! In Europe you can’t do that because your portions are small and it’s rude. And if it’s not rude, it’s impossible because the restaurants don’t have a box for you to take your food home in. I didn’t take home my burger because I ate it all.

If you are from Europe, going to the Cheesecake factory is really good. If you are from America, going to the Cheesecake Factory is probably also very good, because everyone is there, always. 

review - happy hour in the tiki bar in the tonga room in the fairmont hotel in san francisco

Sophie, Jason and I had a very good idea which was eating a Hawaiian all-you-can-eat buffet at a tiki bar. Tiki bars are invented in America probably. They are a wooden style bars with wooden style mask and mainly they are basically exotic. Their style is tropical and Polynesian. Tiki bars are cool because they are magical. They are dark and a little bit like a beach or a rainforest. I have never been to a tiki bar because Austria doesn’t have them. But Sophie likes tiki bars a lot, so we decided to go to the famous tiki bar in Sophie’s old guide book. 

The tiki bar we went to was called “Tonga Room.” The Kingdom of Tonga is a state in the South Pacific Ocean. Tonga is not related to Toga, and suggesting that it is would be a very stupid thing to write in your review. But maybe it could be? It isn’t. But the words are nearly the same and I thought a Tonga is a Toga. 

The Tonga Room is in a very famous hotel in San Francisco that is called “The Fairmont.” You can tell that it is a luxury hotel because of its building. It’s very luxurious and beautiful. Usually a lot of flags on a building are always a sign of luxury or of a school. 

Because the Tonga Room is a tiki bar by a luxury hotel, it is very expensive. But on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday they have an “extensive” happy hour buffet. The buffet is all-you-can eat and it is only $9.50 (plus a minimum of one cocktail)! If you go for dinner, sometimes you pay $9.50 for just one dish, and then once you finish it’s done, you can’t ask for more (very rude). So paying $9.50 and getting more is an amazing good deal and that is why Sophie, Jason and I decided to go to the Tonga Room Tiki Bar!

We got to the Tonga Room. You enter it on California street although the hotel is on Mason street. If you want to go to the Tonga Room, go down along the hotel on California and enter the door close to the big sigh that says “Tonga.” It’s also the entrance to the gym (“Club One”). Even if Google Maps shows the restaurant next to the Mason entrance, it isn’t. It’s on California.

Next you have to ask for a table. They will offer you a table on one of the sides of the room, on a deck that looks like a ship, or in the middle of the room between a lot of people but close to the bar. If you aren’t sure which table you want, get the one on the ship because it’s better. If you want to be close to the bar, don’t, because you have a waitress that can get you anything from the bar.

The tables are made of wood and the chairs too, but they have pillows which are really soft. That is good if you plan to stay for a while. The room is very dark and tropical. There is a candle on every table and light-lantern style strings. They are nice because they give a nice mood. There is a ship’s wheel and straw hut roofs, and in the middle of the room is a giant pool, but a dark one and it’s not for swimming just for mood. 

The special thing about the Tonga Room is that they have storms. Every 30 minutes maybe, they have a storm with rain and thunder and lightning, but it’s a trick storm because it’s indoors and storms aren’t indoors except for Donald Duck when he is unlucky. The thunder is just a soundtrack, and the lightning is just flashes of light bulbs. The rain is kind of real because it’s water that comes down, but they made it themselves with sprinklers maybe. It’s a mood thing, and it works. It lasts very short, but the room feels wetter because of the rain. 

It is important that you order a cocktail. You have to, because that’s the rule of the buffet. They have a selection, and every cocktail is $7.50 because it is happy hour. Normally the cocktails are more expensive. They have a selection, and one yummy cocktail I had was the Tonga Itch. It sounds nasty because itches are STDs sometimes. This is a cocktail and it is delicious. You can see all the cocktails they have HERE.

In the middle of the room is something that could be a dance floor, and there you will find the buffet. When we saw the buffet we were very surprised. It was on a table that was not very long. This is what they had:

- Chicken wings in a sweet chili sauce
- Macaroni salad
- Spicy edamame
- Fried rice with ham
- A mix of cantaloupe, honeydew and pineapple, but mostly it was honeydew
- Asian style noodles with vegetable style stuff
- Mini spring rolls with a sauce
- More chicken wings in hot sauce 

I didn’t miss anything. This was their buffet. I was very disappointed and sad.

This is a photo of the fruit and some chicken wings and some edamame.

- The chicken wings in the sweet chili sauce were tasty, because chicken wings and sweet chili sauce are yummy and everyone likes them. I had lots of chicken wings, and one of them had the most meat on it I have ever eaten from a chicken wing! That was nice but could also mean the chicken was bionic.

- The macaroni salad was very horrible. I dont like macaroni salad because I don’t like mayo, but sometimes you eat something you don’t like and it’s okay. This macaroni salad was very disgusting. 

- The edamame were okay. They had very good intentions because of the spicy stuff, but they didn’t taste very fresh and it’s edamame - it’s not a real food you cook!

- The fried rice was very normal. It was fried rice, and if you don’t like meat it sucks because it had bits of ham in it. I like fried rice, but it usually fried rice has stuff in it except for ham. Like pineapple. It didn’t. It was boring.

- The fruit was very horrible, too. It wasn’t fresh fruit and it tasted like they got it from a can. Pineapple is always yummy, even from the can, but they didn’t have much pineapple, mostly honeydew that was disgusting. I used some pineapple and ate it with my fried rice so it would be less boring. 

- The noodles were very oily and boring. They are the noodles you get at a Chinese buffet when you pay $4. I ate them and they were whatever. 

- The spring rolls were okay. They had a sauce which was good because they were the kind of spring rolls that are dry. They tasted like spring rolls that you get and you eat but don’t comment on because they are normal; not delicious or disgusting. You just eat them and talk to your friends. 

- I didn’t taste the other chicken wings. But they are chicken wings and hot sauce, and everyone loves chicken wings and hot sauce.

It was very disappointing and sad, and I had 4 servings because I was hungry and I wanted to eat more so it would feel less expensive to pay for a Chinese dinner at a tiki bar. 

In conclusion, the tiki bar in the Tonga Room was nice, but the food was sad. But if you go to the Tonga Room and read this review first, you will feel less bad about it, because you will go for the experience and not for the food. And the experience was nice, and the cocktails were nice, and if you aren’t facing the people coming in and out of the gym next door, you can see a nice room with pretty lights and have a good time. 

Here are some tips:

You can have the happy hour all-you-can-eat buffet from Wednesday to Friday between 5 PM and 7 PM. I think I would suggest to go at 5 PM and then eat a lot, then wait and get more food before they take away the buffet at 7 PM. The waitress was nice, because I’m always shy to get a lot of food from all-you-can-eat buffets because the waiters are always mean when you take all you can eat, but our waitress told us to get more plates with lots of food before the buffet closes. 

Another good tip is that when you eat, eat two plates, then wait. Sometimes you eat and your stomach is full, but it takes your stomach 15 or 20 minutes to tell your brain it is full! It’s true! If you don’t know that, you keep eating and then when you notice how full you are, you already ate too much and feel very sick.

More details are HERE.

I hate to fly. Actually that’s a lie. I feel very ambiguous about flying. It’s dumb because it’s not your natural environment, because humans can’t fly and their bodies get weird when they do and sometimes they fart, but also, flying is amazing because it’s an unnatural environment and you see cool clouds and you get somewhere else and no one notices if you fart.

Flying is difficult also because you have to sit on the same chair all the time, and first it’s okay, but then your body hurts a lot. Like your back and your neck. It’s difficult to sleep on a plane too, so you are also tired. The food is sometimes okay, sometimes it’s really bad, so that’s bad too. Sometimes you need to sit next to someone you don’t want to sit next to. Basically a lot of annoying stuff can happen.

I flew to Austria a while ago. You need to travel for a long time to get there. I had to travel 18 hours. I flew to London first. I flew to London because I decided to fly with Virgin Atlantic instead of Lufthansa. Virgin America is my favorite airline ever, and I thought if I fly Virgin Atlantic it would be like flying with Virgin America but much longer and better.

Virgin Atlantic is very different from Virgin America. It’s like a completely different airline! They did everything differently, and I am going to write a review about it later. 

I did a trick when I dropped off my luggage. It wasn’t really a trick but maybe now it is. I had checked in online an hour or two before and chosen a window seat. I like the window seat because it has a window to look out of and it’s good to lean against if you want to sleep. When you are a kid, you always fight with your sibling to have to window seat, so when you grow up it seems natural to take it. But on long flights, aisle seats are good too. They allow you to stand up without waking up the people next to you.

When you fly, drinking a lot of water is the most important thing in the world. It’s because of science stuff, like something about you sitting a long time and the air pressure and your blood and stuff. If you don’t drink enough water and move you could die!!! But most people don’t know that. They fly and they try extra hard to not drink water because peeing on the airplane is dumb (because you need to wake up the people next to you to stand up). But I drink a lot of water (you need to buy it before you go on, because on the plane you only get small glasses, but my trick is usually that I ask them to fill my water bottle with their water bottle, because have you ever bought water at the airport? It’s very expensive), so I need to pee a lot and get up a lot. So basically I decided I want to change from my window seat to an aisle seat. I went to drop off my luggage and told the man that I want to change to an aisle seat. He changed me, and then I got the best seat ever - in the aisle in the middle of the first row! So no one was in front of me and I had more leg room, but the kind where I can prop up my legs against a wall. Cool!

I did something that is maybe illegal. I took an orange in my bag and took it with me until Austria. I went into security, but no one noticed it. So I took it on my flight. But my suspicion is that they secretly saw it and they made a note about it on my file. Then when I come back through immigration they would use it against me and never let me back inside the States because they would have said I’m a smuggler of fruit and maybe drugs (they would have invented the drugs part, but prove them wrong! You can’t!!). But it didn’t happen, so that is cool.

The end.

shops in america

I always like to talk a lot about cool inventions. I love inventions, and if everything wasn’t invented, I think we would die or something. If no one ever invented stealing eggs from chicken and then opening them and putting them on fire (someone invented cooking!), then we would never have scrambled eggs for breakfast, and America would not even exist. Who invented bacon? It’s the most delicious food on earth. 

Walgreens is one of the coolest inventions on earth. You can go to Walgreens to buy everything of anything. You can basically go to Walgreens and just buy something every time you go. In Europe, that doesn’t even exist. If you want to buy food you go to the grocery store, if you want to buy a sweater you go to a clothes store, if you want to buy vitamins you go to a pharmacy, if you want to buy a souvenir you go to a souvenir shop, if you want to buy a toy you go to the toy shop. In America you can do all those things in one place, and that place is Walgreens or Walmart or Target or Duane Reade or every store in America.

When I was a kid and I visited America, I spent a lot of time in Duane Reade (which was like a more famous version of Walgreens in New York). I bought so many cool things that you can’t buy in Austria, like a cool shampoo or a tanning spray or a special gum. Then when I moved to America, it was my favorite thing to go to Walgreens every day and buy cool stuff. My friend Sophie from England always thought the same, because Walgreens was the best store in America ever.

The even cooler thing about Walgreens is that the things they sell are some of the coolest inventions too. Some of the things are normal, like bubble gum, but some of the things are the best, like bubble gum machines! Today I went to Walgreens because I wanted to buy milk, and I bought this. It’s a bubble gum machine. It’s not a new invention, but it’s still cool because I love the gums that are little balls, they taste the best of all gums, and it’s more fun to eat when it comes out of a machine.

Usually bubble gum machines are expensive, like 40 dollars or more, but this one was only 5 dollars. It doesn’t work.

Another cool invention they sell in Walgreens is this. It’s a brush for your feet.

The cool thing is that if you want to wash your feet, but you can’t reach your legs (sometimes that happens to people when they get older or they don’t stretch a lot), then you can just use the brush to clean your feet anyway.

That’s one invention for your teeth and one for your feet, but they are both sold in Walgreens (and you can also buy your milk). That is one of the best things in the whole world!

If you want to buy my gum machine, I will sell it to you for 4 dollars.

Facebook has a new thing which is cool. It’s where you ask “questions” like in a status update, but then you have answers and you can click your answer instead of writing it. It’s good if you want to tell your friend the answer to a question, but maybe you are really busy right now. Like you need to go to a meeting, and usually you would write an answer, but because the meeting is so soon, you can’t write it. So instead you will either not answer, or, if it is a new question option question, you can quickly click on your answer!!! Or if the answer is not there yet, you can add your answer, and then other people can click on it to if they feel the same way and don’t have time to write an answer.

You can ask anything. One thing you can ask is what your friends favorite animal is. Or maybe if you should cut your hair, or if you should buy a fish costume. There are so many questions you can ask, like endlessly and forever, until you asked every question in the world (which is like impossible!!!!).

I asked my friends what’s cooler, an ant eater or a dinosaur! Everyone is saying dinosaur, but basically I think that’s because people think dinosaurs are cool. Ant eaters are nice too, they have a long bushy tail and a big nose and you can see them in the zoo.

But in my blog, you can also “ask” me a question that I can answer. But I will answer it in writing, not with an answer you can click on. You can ask me HERE. 

HERE is a list of jobs I can do, please don’t forget to ask me to do a job for you!

I’ve been really bad at updating my website diary. I decided to update it today, which is ironic because it’s the most important day also because of something that happened in Japan. It was a big earthquake! Earthquakes are sad, because everyone says it’s nature, and when nature kills people it’s even sadder than when someone grown up kills people. Because for nature, killing people is nature, but for people it’s nurture. 

When I think of an earthquake, I think like a lot of people do - I imagine that a big giant bumped his knee on that table where he keeps us all in a bowl. And when he bumps his knee, the table is pretty strong to withhold most of the giant’s momento, but the bowl we live in, it shakes just a bit, and for people in Japan who are the smallest people in the world (the bowl), this movement is like a huge thing, as if the earth moved! 

The reason why people on earth think the world will end in 2012 is maybe because the big giant is turning 21 and he will have a party full of giants and they will be drinking and knocking over furniture, just like small people do. Then if the bowl falls off the table, we would all die a horrid death. But I think it’s unlikely because he’s not some kind of horrible person.

This is a picture:

Sometimes I get more serious about this idea, and then it’s like: my life is actually a really, really good movie, and really big giants are watching it. But the giants are sooooo big, that they have a different time. For me, it’s been like 25 years, but for them it’s like 30 minutes into the film now. And some of the giants came late because they were stuck in traffic but still wanted popcorn, so they came in late and are whispering “What happened?” and the other giants say: “So, like, THIS just happened, but you didn’t miss much yet, you just need to know THAT.” But by now, everyone in the movie has settled and they are watching and it’s really exciting because it’s about me. I think it’s a 90 minute movie but I don’t really know, because people in movies are always just IN the movie, never thinking of how long it will be. Maybe the giants are at the edge of their seat because they know a big thing will happen, like maybe an earthquake in Japan, and somehow it will change my fate forever. I can’t wait for that thing to happen, it will be exciting probably!

What exciting thing do you think will happen next?