is this the more cooler version of a blog?

about bad jobs and new jobs

It is really hard to live and make money. That is why people do jobs. I like jobs, and I try to get them. But I am a “legal alien” in San Francisco - I am allowed to be here, and I live here, but I’m not a “citizen” because I’m not American. So basically I am not allowed to get a job. 

That’s really dumb and annoying, because I could really use the extra money to buy stuff. So I invented some “jobs” that I could do, and maybe get something in return. I described them HERE. 

It is sad, because I never got anyone who wanted me to do a job for them. That’s because the internet is like a digital reality, so everything that is real also happens on the internet. And do you know a lot of people who want a job and can’t find one? Because I know some, and they are sad too.

Many people who don’t get a job do something wrong, like they don’t do something, or they do something, and anyway - it’s wrong. Or maybe they aren’t good at what they do. I’m good at my jobs, but I think I don’t have anyone who wants to hire me because my jobs are already used. This is why no one hires me for the jobs I can do:

(You need to read my jobs first so you know what jobs I mean!)

1) Secret emails are the best thing on the planet. They are like a secret internet! If you have a secret internet, you can do anything! But before the internet did all the cool things, one of the most important things was emails. Basically, nothing in the internet was real except emails! It was like writing a letter before you did stuff like sending people parking tickets or bombs. It was just to have meetings and important things! So everyone has an email address, and if you use the internet, the first thing you get is an email address. Even someone who doesn’t use the internet sometimes has an email address. So everyone on the internet who reads my job, already has an email address and don’t need a new one. It’s not secret, but not everyone is famous so you don’t need a secret email address. I bet I know everyone’s email address - it’s their name!

2) Translating time is one of the most important things if you know someone who lives somewhere else, because it shows the person that you are interested about when they eat dinner. But everyone I know has a phone, and every phone I know has a menu that’s a clock, and every clock menu has one thing that can show you the time somewhere else. And if the person doesn’t know 24HRs, he can make it be in 12HRs. So if you have your phone, you can always see the time somewhere else. And if you don’t have your phone, you probably can’t contact me to ask me for the time somewhere. That’s why no one wants the job!

3) My third job is eating ginger from your sushi. I don’t know why this job doesn’t work. 

4) My other job is inventing quotes. Everyone likes quotes a lot, and they are famous. But a cool thing on the internet is when you say a quote on your profile and it’s funny and by someone famous and old or not alive. Sometimes people say quotes they invented themselves, but if you say your favorite quote is a quote you said, you are actually an asshole. So if someone would hire me to invent a quote they said themselves, then it is like hiring someone else to make you be a big asshole.

5) My last job was about being a scientist, because I could answer some questions. But one of the best things in the world is to be smart. When you are smart, you don’t need to ask many questions because you know the answers already. So if you give someone a job to answer something, it is like saying that you don’t know the answer, and no one likes to say they don’t know the answer to something, because it’s like saying: I don’t know! And have you ever heard someone say “I don’t know” and then you hate them? Because I did!

All my jobs are good, but this is why they don’t work. So I have new jobs, the jobs are:

- Inventing jokes. Everyone likes jokes, because my friend Jason once said the smartest thing I ever heard - it was that laughing is the realest thing in the world! Do you understand that? Because it’s true! So if you have a good joke, it’s the best thing in the world. You can look at my JOKE BLOG! It’s here: http://butt-jokes.tumblr.com/

- Directing something. Like a film or a video or a commercial. It’s my job, and I learned it at school and I like to do it. You can look at my films here: http://vimeo.com/tizia

If you want me to do a new job, you can ask me to do it here: http://tizia.tumblr.com/ask

Or if you want me to do an old job, I can do that too. You can ask me here: http://tizia.tumblr.com/ask

Thanks

about time

OMG guyz, someone asked me this in my comments:

before i will hire you, i need to know the following:
1) when time is fleeting, can you still translate it? 
2) what if time has expired?
3) do you tranlate past-, or present time?
4) what is your experience in translating time-warps?
5) time = money. can you translate money too?
6) do you usually trans late, or early?
7) if i´d be ahead of my time, how would you translate me?

Thank you for asking me these things, because you want to hire me. I will answer them now.

1) When I went to school I had a lot of English classes. I learned about symbolism and personification and metaphors and similes and anthropomophization. I don’t know which this one is, but I think it is a personification - time cannot flee! Time always goes the same time, so it can’t run away (to flee is to run away quickly because of danger). Time can only go as fast as its fastest unit, so basically one second is the fastest it can ever go. If one second passes, I can translate that too. So the answer is yes.

2) I was thinking of how to explain this. I am going to use a simile! Time is like the universe. It is endless! It always goes on and it always goes into the future and never back, so it will always be new. Basically that means that time can never expire, because this moment (and this, and this) is happening right now, and it can’t get old! 

3) This is an interesting question. Time is always the same unit, past and present. So if you ask me about time in the past, it will follow the same principle as time in the present. That means I can translate both - past time and present time.

4) One time I had to do a big presentation in class. It was about movies in the horror genre. During this presentation I made the dance that is called “time-warp” to symbolize a movie that is a horror film. The big thing was that someone had to guess what movie it is from the dance (it was “Rocky Horror Picture Show”). Someone guessed it, I think because I did it correctly. That is my experience with time-warp, but if it is important for you I can do it some more.

5) Money is really different to time. Money has so many units and everyone has a different one, and some places have the same. I can not translate money, but if you want to I can look for someone who can do that. 

6) I can do both. Usually I do early, because I think it is more serious and polite to do. 

7) This question is like the first. It’s a metaphor. You cannot physically be ahead of time, because time is always now, and you can’t be after now. If you would be after now, you would be in the future, and basically you can’t go to the future because it only exists after now, and you have to wait for now to be over. It is a really difficult concept to understand, but if you want to know more about this I can try to explain it to you. 

Thank you so much for these questions, please think about hiring me, I would be so happy!

PS: you commented in the wrong box.

they keep doing that

He calls me “Hey Mama”
And asks me for some money
Because he needs four dollars
And already has 1.55

More Crack City Poetry here

hire me

I am a student and I need a lot of money to buy things I don’t need. So I am letting you know what job positions I am going to do for you if you hire me:

1) Secret Emails: I can invent secret names for emails, so that someone who is a celebrity can have an email address that no one will think belongs to them, because it is invented. This is an example: 

If I was really bad at inventing them, Leonardo DiCaprio would have this email: “onthefrontofaboat@hostname.com” or “retardedpersonasakid@hostname.com”. Everyone would know them, because they are the two first email addresses you would think about if you would invent an email address for Leonardo DiCaprio. They are references to two of his famous movies. I could invent this one: “personwithblondehairbutnothandsome@hostname.com”, because no one would ever call Leonardo not handsome, so it would be a secret. Only people who know him would know the email address, which is good if you are a famous celebrity. 

PS: it is not his real email address. 

2) Translating Time: A lot of businesses in the United States know businesses in Europe with people they need to communicate with. There are always two really big problems: one is that if it is morning in the USA, it is night in Europe. You need to know a good time to call Europe so you don’t wake them up. I have a new watch, and one on my phone, so I can have two time zones, and always tell you which one it is. I know all time zones in Europe by heart! 

Also: in Europe they use “24HR” time format. That’s when the clock goes to 12PM and then to 13PM instead of 1PM. Then at midnight it is 24PM or 00AM. A lot of people in the United States don’t know that, and when they read George Orwell’s “1984”, they think that something is weird when he wrote “the clocks were striking thirteen”. It actually just means it is “1PM” in Europe. I know all the times of the 24HR mode, so I can always tell you what time it is in Europe when someone says it is 17PM - it is actually 5PM.

3) Ginger Face: Everyone likes sushi a lot. It is a famous dish in everywhere, but not really so famous in Japan (I know because I’ve been). But a lot of people don’t like to eat the ginger that comes with your sushi. Usually you need to tell the people in the sushi restaurant that you don’t want any ginger (because it is a standard to get the ginger with your sushi), but sometimes you forget or you are busy and talking to someone and can’t talk to the waiter that much or maybe you are a famous person that doesn’t talk to people that are waiters, and just points at the menu you want.

If I am there, I can eat your ginger. I used to not like ginger because it tastes the way that perfume smells, but now I am more mature and I like ginger so much, I eat it all the time if I can. I always eat my friends ginger and then I ask for more. So if you want, I can always eat your ginger on your sushi. 

If you want to hire me, write me here: http://tizia.tumblr.com/ask